Unfortunately, the dictionary of toxic behaviors in a relationship keeps getting longer and longer. And that's because beyond ghosting, pocketing or haunting, among others, there are even more words to label these couple behaviors that are increasingly associated with social networks.
Anglicisms which, though they may be, are also experienced by Spanish couples, and which we need to know how to identify in order to deal with them.
This time, we want to talk about the equally toxic phenomenon known as cookie-jarring. A behavior in a couple with which you can come to feel second best or literally like a plan B within the relationship. A behavior that is not at all healthy in a relationship, but is often associated with insecurities or even traumatic past experiences. We tell you all about it and the keys to identifying it in a couple.
What is cookie jarring?
Imagine that jar or drawer of cookies where you always keep a cookie for those hungry moments between meals. Unfortunately, this has a lot to do with the meaning of the so-called cookie-jarring. A term that implies just that but with someone you have a relationship with. It means that someone who applies cookie-jarring, dates that person who's “in reserve”, just out of boredom and more as a secondary option than the only choice.
A term that really came out in 2019 and is usually related to people who are already looking for a relationship with another person, but have you in reserve or in their “cookie jar” in case it doesn't work out.
What reality is behind this behavior?
Experts associate this type of behavior with insecurity, rather than a tendency towards dating itself or sex. The reason is that it's always a way of making sure that you're not alone at any time and that you receive that person's support no matter what, so it's a behavior more associated with the psychological aspect than with lust itself.
Often, trafficked people may have suffered traumatic or precarious experiences that continually repeat the belief that they are “not good enough”. A way of meeting one's own emotional needs and never being alone.
Experts associate this type of behavior with insecurity, rather than with a tendency toward dating itself or sex. The reason is that it's always a way of ensuring that you're not alone at any time and that you receive that person's support no matter what, so it's a behavior more associated with the psychological aspect than with lust itself. .
How to identify and react if you are a victim of cookie-jarring?
Some important warning signs, especially when it comes to a slightly more established relationship, is when your partner prefers to keep you out of all their plans, trips and group of friends and family. If you also feel that you always meet at the last minute and only when this person decides, you can be that alternative option to their initial date.
What should a healthy relationship be based on?
A healthy couple's relationship, away from the bullshit, must rest on several fundamental pillars that contribute to happiness, mutual respect and both individual and collective fulfillment. Here are a few key elements that every healthy couple should rely on:
- Open and honest communication: Honest and effective communication is essential. You should both feel comfortable expressing your thoughts, feelings and needs, as well as actively listening to your partner. Open communication helps to resolve conflicts and strengthen the emotional bond.
- Mutual respect: Respect is essential. You should both appreciate each other's feelings, opinions and desires, even if you disagree. Avoiding verbal or physical violence is essential to maintaining a healthy relationship.
- Trust and honesty: Trust is the foundation of any solid relationship. Honesty and transparency are essential to establishing and maintaining this trust. Being honest about your thoughts, feelings and actions strengthens the bond of mutual trust.
- Individual space: Each person must maintain his or her own identity and space. It's important to respect each person's personal interests, friends and activities.
- Support and empathy: It's essential to be there for each other in good times and bad. Empathy and mutual support foster a strong emotional bond.
- Constructive conflict resolution: Disagreements and conflicts are normal in any relationship. Learning to deal with problems in a respectful way, listening and looking for solutions together, is essential to prevent problems from accumulating.
- Sharing goals and values: Having similar goals and values can bring a couple closer together and give meaning to the shared direction in the relationship.
- Emotional and physical intimacy: Emotional and physical intimacy contribute to closeness and satisfaction in the relationship. You both need to be comfortable sharing your emotions and maintaining an intimate connection.
- Flexibility and commitment: Being willing to adapt and compromise is essential. You both need to be willing to work together on the relationship and make adjustments if necessary.
- Respect for growth spaces: Allowing each other to grow and evolve as individuals is important. Supporting personal dreams and goals is key to a rewarding relationship.
